Всякие приколы по Warhammer-y..., -==- Опции

[Sidri_cyberdog]

Jerry Springer: “Ok everybody, today’s show is about worshippers of Chaos
and the women who love them. Please welcome our first guest, Sister
Chastity of the Holy Order of the Slain Virgin. Sister, welcome to our
show.”

Chastity: “Thank you Jerry”

JS: “ Now Chastity, our producers have told us that you have been seeing
someone for quite some time now.”

C: “Yes. He name is Falthus, and he is a member of the Emperor’s
Children.”

Audience: “BOOOOOOOOO!”

JS : “Now wait a minute audience. Chastity, isn’t the Emperor’s Children
one of Our Most Holy Emperor’s finest Space Marine Legions?”

C (holding back the tears): ”Well, it was, but now that they have fallen
from grace…oh, he just sits around the fortress all day and melts people
down into drugs! I won’t even tell you what he wants me to do in bed now!
*sob*.”

Audience: “Awwwwww…”

JS: “Well, let's bring him out.”

A Space marine in pink armor with leopard skin tights stumbles onto stage:
“All hail our Lord and God Slaanesh!”

Audience “Booooo!”

JS: “Now now, quiet down. Falthus, welcome to the show. Chastity has been
telling us there have been hacing some trouble in paradise…”

Falthus: “Well, there wouldn’t be any trouble if she would grovel at the
feet of our merciless tormentor like I tell her to.”

C: “My love is only for the Emperor!”

F: “Yeah, that’s why he prostituted your order to the Adeptus Astartes!”

C: "Oh, go find someone else to wear lobster claws for you!" *sob*

Audience: “Ooooooooooooooooo!”

JS: “Well, Falthus, Chastity has told us that she has something to tell you.
So I'll just step aside and let her say it.”

C: “Falthus, you know my love for you is second only to the Emperor,
but…well, there is someone else….”

F: “What? Who the hell is it?”

JS: “Let’s bring out Henrik the Enraged, Mighty Champion of Khorne!”

A smashing sound is heard as half the stage set falls to the whirling blade
of a chain axe.
“You are a punk, Flathus. Chastity wants a real man, not some whinny little musician and drug addict!”

F: “You punk a** B****!”

The audience begins to trample each other to get out of the way of the
horrible battle that ensues.

[Винсент]

Прикольно для тех, кто читает по-английски и знает специфику шоу Джерри Спрингера

[HamsterOfWar]

> Прикольно для тех, кто читает по-английски и знает специфику шоу Джерри Спрингера

Таких не много, к тому же боян.

[Sidri_cyberdog]

Обязательно к прочтению

[-Yaroslav-]

Лживая пропаганда Тау

[2 SidED DiE]

Лживая пропаганда Тау

первое или второе?

[-Yaroslav-]

Второе , первое можно списать на масс медиа

[Sidri_cyberdog]

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!"
"Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!"
"Extermina-what?"
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"

[-Yaroslav-]

Особенно хороши перлы про огринов и штрафной отряд Шеффера

[Sidri_cyberdog]

Спейс маринам и особенно Dark angels посвящается...

Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
AZRAEL- Alas!
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
refreshments!
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
Azrael?
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
sorcery!
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
must...
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALE!
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
forehead)
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
quit.
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...

THE END

[Klays]

Гы!!!

[Sidri_cyberdog]

Начало довольно неплохого комикса

[Sidri_cyberdog]

+++++TV: Heroes of the Imperium, that are still alive!+++++
Aliseiia: good night and welcome to Heroes of the Imperium, that are still alive!!
Crowd: who's tonight?
Aliseiia: Commissar Johnny Yarrick Donell!!
Crowd: oooh!
*Yarrick steps up*
Yarrick: how the hell do you know my full name?
*Aliseiia blinks*
Aliseiia: i know everyone's name!
Yarrick: ...grml....
Aliseiia: well, shall we begin?
Yarrick: yes.
Aliseiia: first question, why do you still carry that awful claw around, when you can get a modern and practical bionic arm?
Yarrick: hah! i took this claw from the foe that took my arm, an eye for an eye, you know! *pets claw*
Aliseiia: ehm... okay, it is said that you can, with one hand, use your stormbolter to shoot down three cans with two shots at 200 meters!!
Yarrick: well, yes, that's true.
Aliseiia: you will have to show us!! *point towards 200m shooting range (in studio)*
*Yarrick unloads his stormbolter*
*Yarrick loads 2 shots*
Aliseiia: watch closely, three cans, 200m, 2 shots...
*Yarrick fires*
two cans fall, but the third remains
Aliseiia: um, that's a failure...
Yarrick: wait and see!
a dead termagant falls from the ceiling and hits the can
Aliseiia: by the Emperor! what did that do there?
Yarrick: no need to worry, it could have been a Lictor.
Aliseiia: oh, what comfort.... ah, well, next question! we all know that you fought a hard-won battle at Armageddon... that made you one of the most hardened warriors in the Imperial Guard! do you care to show us some of the scars that the orks carved into your body?
Yarrick: urgh... will you show us yours?
Crowd: strip! strip! strip!
Aliseiia: this is a family program!!
Aliseiia: well, over to next question, we have all heard that you are a good cook! can you share some of your secrets with us?
Yarrick: well... I promised Nork not to say too much about this, but i can tell you how to make "Yarrick's Fresh 'nid surprise"
Aliseiia: eeh... OH! our time is soon up! well, we thank today's guest, Johnny Yarrick Donell! and wish him luck in further battles!
Crowd: STRIP! STRIP! STRIP! BOTH OF YOU, STRIP!!
Aliseiia: eh...

[Sidri_cyberdog]

+++++TV: Heroes of the Imperium, that are still alive!+++++

Aliseiia: hi everyone! time for more deepgoing info on our heroes that saves the day!
Crowd: STRIP! STRIP! STRIP!!
Aliseiia: oh, knock it off!
Crowd: awww!
Aliseiia: let's bring in tonight's guest!
Crowd: FEMALE! FEMALE! FEMALE!
*Shaeffer enters*
the crowd suddenly falls deadly quiet
Aliseiia: hi and welcome, we are all glad that you could make it here!
Shaeffer: well, it was kinda stressed, but yeah, I am happy to be here
Aliseiia: well, shall we begin the questions then?
Shaeffer: yeah.
Aliseiia: first, what is your first name?
Shaeffer: well... it's Danny, but...
Crowd: AWW!! HOW CUTE!!
Aliseiia: yeah it is kinda cute
Shaeffer: shut it, I'm not finished!
Shaeffer: well, what I was about to say is that I prefer Colonel Shaeffer.
Aliseiia: whatever you say Danny.
Shaeffer: grrml...
Aliseiia: well, next question, what dragged you into the Last Chancer business?
Shaeffer: well... I was always good at discipline... and those darned crims have to have a strong leader...
Aliseiia: well, have heard of your bravery and skill, specially with the sword, do you have your sword with you here tonight?
Shaeffer: yeah, I always carry her with me.
Aliseiia: care to show us some tricks with it?
Shaeffer: her! her name is Carniella, comes from Carnage
Crowd: HAHA!! WHAT A REDICOULOUS NAME!
*Shaeffer glares at the crowd*
deadly silence falls again
Shaeffer: okay, first out I'll show you the anti-armour move
Aliseiia: wait, we haven't got any dummies yet!
Shaeffer: it does not matter, I'll do it on you, stand very still.
before anyone could blink Shaeffer had cut off Aliseiias powerarmour
Aliseiia: you pervert, you know we can't wear anything but underwear under these tight armours!
Crowd: YEEEEEAH!!! GO SHAEFFER!!!
*Aliseiia leaves*
Backstage:
Aliseiia: quick! get me clothes!
Studio:
Shaeffer: where did she go? *looks around*
*Aliseiia enters*
Crowd: WOOOOOOW!!! YEEEEAH!!!
Aliseiia: um... ever since these were the only clothes at hand i have to host the rest of this program in a catsuit... gotta wonder what happens backstage...
Shaeffer: haha, you looks rediculous!
Aliseiia: oh, shut up, this is all your fault!
Crowd: GO SHAEFFER!! GO SHAEFFER!!
Aliseiia: oh, by the Emperor, this d**n suit is transparent...

+++++TV: End of show+++++

[Sidri_cyberdog]

How many Space Wolves does it tak to screw in a lightbulb?
A full chapter, one to hold the lightbuld, and 999 to turn the battle barge.

-What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.

The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!

"a simpe 3 lettre wurd. beer" - Thor Thundercaller

The Top Ten List why DA are cooler then IF:

The Top Ten List: Dark Angels VS. Imperial Fists

Reason #10
Dark Angels wear nifty GREEN armor; Imperial Fists wear YELLOW - 'nuff said!

Reason #9
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Perturabo of Iron Warriors.

Reason #8
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Night Haunter of Night Lords (do we see a trend here?).

Reason #7
When the Emperor had to have one of his Legions stay behind and guard Earth while the others traveled the Galaxy gaining fame and glory, Rogal Dorn jumped up and down shouting "Pick Me, Pick Me?I'll do it?"

Reason #6
Never had to have ass saved by Ultramarines, unlike the Imperial Fists after being pinned down for months by the Iron Warriors.

Reason #5
Dark Angels have the greatest victory record of all the Emperor's Legions. Imperial Fists are 0-1-1 (no recorded victories, lost to Iron Warriors and they like to call the defense of Earth a "Draw").

Reason #4
Lion el'Jonson fought Leman Russ toe-to-toe for a day with neither Primarch besting the other. Rogal Dorn would have used the famous "Play Dead and Run Away" tactic.

Reason #3
Dark Angels have lots of nifty special items like the Sword of Secrets; what were the Imperial Fists things again?can't seem to remember?

Reason #2
Dark Angels would have NEVER screwed up the defense of Earth and got everyone killed. And where exactly was Rogal Dorn when everyone else attacked Horus?.

And?.

Reason #1
Did I mention the YELLOW armor?

TOP TEN USES FOR SQUAD BANNERS

#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...

#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...

#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.

#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...

#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...

#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.

#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.

#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.

#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...

AND THE #1 USE FOR SQUAD BANNERS IS....
Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.


My space marine joke..... THE SPACE WOLVES!!

CSM:Knock, knock

SM:Who's there?

CSM:Boo

SM:Boo who?

CSM:STOP CRYING YOU LACKY OF THE GOLDEN THRONE!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!



What's better than being upgraded from a warlock to a farseer?

Not being an Eldar!


What's worse than being blamed of being on the other side of the galaxy when everyone else on your side is dying?

Being an Ultramarine!!!


A Slaneesh demonnette (sp?) was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....

Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......

Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....

Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....

5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"


The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.

"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".


A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.

"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"

He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).

Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.

"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"


"ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!"


how many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.


Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!


What do you call it when two Space Wolves are playing catch with a live krak gernade on a three second timer?

A good outcome either way!

[2 SidED DiE]

побег из дурдома.
http://gamesday.us.games-workshop.com/Game...es/images/4.jpg
а этот в очках, видимо, под орка косит
http://gamesday.us.games-workshop.com/Game...es/images/5.jpg

Сообщение отредактировал 2 SidED DiE - Четверг, 26-oe Апреля 2007, 16:56

[Рагнар Прайд]

Взято в ЖЖ

[colt]

ЖЕСТКАЧ!!!!!!!!!!!

[-Yaroslav-]

Бедный Арни

Сообщение отредактировал -Yaroslav- - Воскресенье, 4-oe Ноября 2007, 14:27

[Рагнар Прайд]

Предыдущие пять комиксов "25-ый кадр" в ЖЖ художника.

Далее эмосестры, авторства не знаю. Комикс глуповат, но изображение некрона у меня вызвало жуткую истерику



Эмомолятор



И эмосцератор



Сообщение отредактировал Рагнар Прайд - Вторник, 13-oe Ноября 2007, 02:33